Contemporary Visual Artist
Critical Reflection and Progress
Theme
In the first unit, my primary focus was researching the core theme of verbal bullying in schools, titled 'Toxic Labels.' I delved into this topic by documenting and reflecting on the traumatic experiences I endured during my middle school years. Children who face bullying often undergo a range of negative effects, and childhood bullying is akin to a lingering wound of time—sometimes painful on rainy days, other times casting a shadow on the mind that obscures the sunshine.
Past experience
In school bullying scenarios, it typically involves a group targeting an individual, a stronger person, against a weaker one. Additionally, bullying is often not a one-time occurrence but a repetitive cycle, with effects that are often hidden, prolonged, and subtle.
During my middle school years, amidst a group of classmates just becoming aware of gender issues, I became a target of verbal bullying regarding my body shape. My classmates used various labelled terms to discuss my body shape, none of which were intended with good intentions. Sometimes, I overheard mocking laughter behind my back and noticed judgmental glances. On occasion, their behaviour was so blatant that they openly used derogatory nicknames when addressing me, telling me I couldn't handle a joke well when I felt upset. During PE class running, due to my earlier physical development compared to my classmates, my figure attracted stares not only from boys but also from girls, scrutinising the movement of my boobs.
On the school's online platforms, anonymously identified students freely discussed individual presence on campus. In the school's ladies' restroom, I will never forget the impact on my psyche when I looked up and saw my class and school number (representing me specifically) engraved on the door, followed by insults in such a secluded public place. I felt intense embarrassment and humiliation, developing a solid aversion to my own body. However, my body shape is globally standard, and I bear no responsibility for the slightly early growth.
Research
Image: Haley Morris-Cafiero, "Body Builder", 2018.
From the series "The Bully Pulpit". Courtesy TJ Boulting.
Body Builder, 2018, by Haley Morris-Cafiero
Haley's art project, titled "The Bully Pulpit," serves as both her retaliation and visual commentary against the numerous online bullies who subjected individuals deviating from society's standards of female beauty to disciplinary scrutiny. In this series, Morris-Cafiero explores the social phenomenon of cyberbullying by employing self-portraiture as a means of confronting individuals who have sought to bully her. She cleverly satirises the public profile images of 25 bullies by transforming herself into amusing and comical representations.
“Self-portraiture has always been a tool of empowerment for women. Societies have led us to believe that, as women, we have a certain place and need to perform in a certain way and this has been like wearing a straight jacket. Feminist politics have affected changes to these patriarchal ideas and photography has been one of its tools.”
——James Hyman
After seeing Haley's art project series, I was inspired to use installation and photography to record my physical and mental state and psychological activities, and hope to bring more attention and inspiration to the issue of verbal bullying in schools.
Consequences
Although I harbour no hatred towards any of my classmates now, it doesn't mean that everything fades away with time. The repercussions of being rejected by classmates, struggling to fit into classroom cliques, and facing social rejection and avoidance gradually surfaced in the aftermath. At the same time, the teacher's ignorance and inaction towards the situation in the class and the differentiation between me and the other bullied students, if any, exacerbated my difficult situation at that time.
The experiences during that time altered my character, making me sensitive and cautious. It changed my communication habits, making me habitually look down and avoid direct eye contact with others. It influenced my clothing choices, making me always hang black and grey jerseys in the wardrobe. It also changed my approach to handling situations. Most of these changes continue to impact me today. In my project, I opted to use installations to symbolise the diverse effects and emotions stemming from those experiences of verbal bullying.
I meticulously documented and visually transformed the experiences and impacts etched into my personality, sketching out preliminary ideas for an upcoming exhibition.
Change in Communication Habits:
My communication habits underwent a shift, adopting a habit of habitually looking down. I invited a close friend who, like me, experienced bullying during our school days. Together, we gathered a variety of shoes worn by students in Chinese schools for a photoshoot.
Reflecting the tension and discomfort I felt during daily interactions with classmates, I aimed to create an image where eyes seemed glued to classmates' feet, conveying a tense exchange between eyes and shoes. After experimenting with different poses, angles, lighting, focal lengths, and tones, I selected three photos with strong visual impact, applying simple cropping and post-processing.
I enlisted the help of two classmates of different genders for the photo shoot. The use of a black backdrop contributed to an overall oppressive atmosphere.
The male subject stood upright at a marked position, with white sneakers becoming a striking visual focal point against the black backdrop. In front of him, I placed a commonly seen brown paper exercise book from Chinese schools. This setup aimed to depict the restraint and lack of eye contact I experienced as a Chinese class representative distributing exercise books to classmates during my high school years.
The female subject sat on a school chair, wearing the typical sports uniform, hands tightly gripping her knees, and toes slightly turned inward. Through these detailed actions, I sought to express the restrained and uneasy state I often felt during my high school years.
I Hate PE Class Running:
I arranged a black sports uniform in a running posture, securing it with small pins onto a large foam board. I then projected an image of a Chinese school's playground onto the foam board and sportswear, creating a representation of me running during physical education class. I pulled a white steel wire from the bra and placed it on top of the black sports shirt, symbolizing the confinement imposed by my early physical development.
Despite Not Hating My Classmates Nowadays:
Although I harbor no animosity towards any of my classmates now, it doesn't mean everything simply fades away. Those past experiences still sting me, so I thought of a direct representation of that pain—the needle. I inserted needles inside and outside a pristine white bra, lifting it in my hand as if ready to discard it, symbolizing the lingering pain of past experiences that cannot be easily forgotten.
I personally stained a pristine white bra with dirt using my feet and placed it on the school chair. I positioned this installation upright in the studio, projecting unpleasant labels and nicknames onto it with a projector, portraying myself as sitting upright, gradually becoming soiled by those hurtful rumors and words.
