UNIT 3

MY MOTHER, MY LOVER

I continued to investigate the sensations and ideas I had concerning verbal abuse from the first unit, and I coupled those with the experiences I had gained while studying abroad for a number of years. This allowed me to investigate the topic of emotional memory in more detail throughout the process of my development. Whenever I go back to my childhood, I can't help but recall the memories that my mother’s strict teaching of me, and the occasional trauma that was induced by her words. Over this series of photograph creations, each set of photographs depicts a different phase in the emotional relationship that I have with my mother.

You Are Ungrateful

Suffocation Love

I Wish I Could Look Up

In the first set of photographs, I have visualised the harsh words and trauma inflicted on me by my mother as a child, and how I felt about myself. I have shown the repressive upbringing my mother gave me during this period and the impact it had on my character.

You Are Ungrateful

In this photograph, I have visually transformed a remark that my mother once made about me by making an installation. The term ‘white-eyed wolf’ is a Chinese term for an ungrateful person. I inserted a thin, sharp needle into the gauze, front and back. Against the backdrop of the sky, I used my hands to make the shape of a wolf behind the light gauze in which the needle was inserted, and reflected the wolf's shadow on the white fabric. The whole photo takes on a more hazy tone. My intention was to contrast the lightness of the gauze with the sharpness of the needle in the image. The pain of my mother's words, which used to sting me, is brought out in a humorous way in the lightness of the image.

Suffocation Love

The image shows my wrists being held tightly in one hand, as well as being tightly strangled by a strangling chain bracelet. I bite red marks into my own skin. The hand is slightly open and half clenched in a fist, presenting a kinesthetic vision of trying to crawl and reach out of the frame. Through these graphic details and my own body parts, I intend to create conflicts in the image to symbolise the verbal output of my mother's repressive education during my childhood. In my relationship with my mother, I was never physically harmed in any substantial way, it was all through verbal, mental and emotional damage. I tried to show my struggle and being tamed in the image: the bracelet indicates my mother's assertive attitude, and the hands holding my wrists tightly are to show my mother's control and bondage over me.

For the creation of this photograph, there were two people involved in the process. The process required me to be in front of the camera as the photographer and as the model runway with my model in the frame. With both of them in front of the camera at the same time, I repeatedly adjusted the lighting and position to ensure that the shadow cast would not overshadow the subject.

I Wish I Could Look Up

Another negative impact of my mother on me was reflected in my personality and behaviour. During my junior high school years, my personality started to become inferior because my mother compared me too much with other people, thus I gradually changed my habit of interacting with others. When interacting with teachers and classmates at school, I was unable to look directly into the eyes of my interlocutors and always used to look down at my feet. I showed this inherent behavioural habit in the past through visual transformation, creating a visual atmosphere of tension and urgency.

I kept trying to adjust the shoes and different angles of the model facing the camera, looking for the image with the most tension and impact. In the end, the photo with half of the face facing the camera and one eye looking straight at the tip of the shoe is the most courageous and dangerous.

Whisperings

The second group of works continues my exploration from Unit 2, with a narrative photographic record of longing for my mother and family, as well as feelings of wanderlust and loneliness due to being away from home, from both Chinese and British perspectives.

Returning to my home country on one of my study holidays, on a normal, peaceful afternoon at home alone, I documented two different rooms in my Beijing home through the use of light, shadow and space. In one corner of the home, which was colourful and full of life, I felt for a moment like the grey, old electric fan that was a little bit out of place in the surroundings.

The sun is gradually falling, the beam of light coming through the window in the room is gradually getting thinner and thinner, also getting darker and darker. The sheets were crumpled, traces of where Mum had lain before. The room was a pale shade of blue, unbearably bland and yet lonely, and I raised my camera to record the moment.

In London, I wandered the streets with a black and white film camera, I tried to record some of my moods and feelings. With a strong flash exposure, I photographed the white flower growing upwards in the surrounding overgrown grass.

A few months after I arrived in London, I broke my wrist in an accident. I was sitting alone outside a hospital consulting room, and for a moment it felt very surreal and strange. It was so quiet, as if I was the only person in the world. I tilted my camera slightly to record the moment.

Another day it suddenly rained heavily and I ran through the streets of London. However, just as I ran past a street corner clutching the bag in my arms, the rain quickly stopped. Looking at the puddle of water in front of the toe of my shoe, a few clusters of yellow leaves above my head reflected on the water, and a few more leaves swaying and falling aside. In this moment, I felt the world return to peace. Once again, I took out my camera to record the moment.

With these black-and-white film photographs, I recorded one by one the sense of not belonging to my own country and the psychological feeling of uncertainty that I felt due to my longing for my home and mother.

We Share The Same Birthday

We share The Same Pain

We Can Do It

In the third group of works, based on my self-research, I gradually began to try to realise self-reconciliation, and at the same time sought to change the way of communication with my mother. In the process of creation, I continue to use everyday objects around me to build simple installations and take photographs to record them, so that the audience can establish an emotional connection through the images and feel that the artworks are related to their own background.

We Share The Same Birthday

My mum and I share the same birthday in the same month, which I think is a rare and amazing coincidence. I placed one egg yolk carefully into another beaten egg yolk, metaphorically representing both my mum and I. I placed a long black hair strand on top of the egg yolk, trying to convey that the hair represents both my mum and me. By placing a long black strand of hair on top of the egg yolk, I am trying to convey that this hair represents the umbilical cord that connected us when my mum gave birth to me, but at the same time, I want to convey that our relationship is just as uncomfortable as if the hair were not visible in this image. Because of my love for my mother and the way I cherish her, I wanted to seal up the past conflicts between my mother and me, so I carefully put the egg and the hair into a cling film bag and sealed it. This cling film bag also added more unique texture and layers to the photo on a visual level.

We share The Same Pain

In the past, my mum and I have had numerous heated arguments. Yet after each argument, we always managed to return to our normal daily interactions overnight because of our deep love for each other. I bought two bananas from the grocery store and left them until brown halves began to appear on the skin. I ruffled the skin of the two bananas, scooped off part of the front end, and placed them opposite each other. The two bananas posed in a form that looked like us every time we had a loud mouth-to-mouth argument, and the flipped banana peels looked like our body movements every time we making threatening gestures because of our emotions. The brown spots on the banana peels were like the words of blame and hurt that we uttered to each other during our arguments. I placed the two longest pieces of banana peel entwined together above, the empty space forming the shape of a heart. The mirrored wall behind reflected my placed installation, as a projection of my heart. After reflection and research and exploration, I realised that no matter how much my mum and I fought, we still loveing each other so much, as we did.

We Can Do It

In the last photograph I created, I wanted to document and show how I ultimately thought about my complex relationship with my mother through the experience of creating this work. We don't just love or hate each other, but are tangled. I found a piece of cotton rope and tied it in a knot in the middle. Then I lit the candle, took the ends of the string in both hands and gently placed the knot in the middle over the flame. I watched as the fire jumped upwards in an effort to burn, leaving a slight burn mark on the knot, which was also struggling not to burn off. It was just like my relationship with my mother, simultaneously striving like the other, not exactly striving in the same direction. In the process, we leave traces and wounds in each other's hearts.